What If?

Every once in awhile I ask myself a "what if" question. I am sure most people do this, or do they? And it's not that I am wishing my life were different in any way, it just out of curiosity. What if my parents didn't move from West Valley to South Jordan? What if I had won, instead of sorely lost, in the student body election? What if I had moved away for my college years? What if I hadn't taken that one job? What if Brian and I hadn't waited for 5 years to have kids? You get the point. My life today is a result of many forks in the road. The path that I chose to follow or was lead to, has gotten me to this point. And my life is good. Sure I have ups and downs, good days and bad days, times of pure stress (like right now) and times of pure joy. But overall, I really can't complain. And then again, I can't help but wonder from time to time how my life would be different if I had taken a different path.

I have a reoccurring dream. It happens randomly. I have been unable to make a connection as to why I have it, when I have it. It probably happens 4-8 times per year. The people who are in it and the circumstances are always different, but the message I get from it is always the same: Life is NOT greener on the other side! In every dream, my life is different from my actual reality. I am never married to Brian, although sometimes he is lurking in the background. Sometimes I am married to some random person from my past, like an old peer or co-worker, and sometimes I am married to a complete stranger. And then sometimes I am not married at all. Sometimes I am living in Utah and sometimes I am living elsewhere, like New York. And here is the kicker, I am never happy. Ever. In my dream, I always feel as though something is missing. There is a void. I am not satisfied with life or with my marriage, and I long for things to be different. I should also mention that in my dream I know that my life is suppose to be different. That I had messed up and had not gone down the right path.

I had my dream again last night. I was married to a guy I went to high school with. Nice kid. We were in the process of moving out of the state. Something was not right. I wanted my "real life" back. So, this morning I woke up and was once again reminded that my life is good and just exactly the way it should be.